Wanted: Job for 18-year Old with Fire Red Hair and Stupidly Deep Dimples

Poor Tyler. He thinks he needs a new job. He works at Applebee's doing Carside to Go at College & Metcalf. According to him, it sucks. For one thing, he has to be nice on the phone. And type in orders into a highly sophisicated computer that does everything but walk the food out to the car. Tyler has to do that. I mean, come on. That's such backbreaking work for an 18-year old. I know he's going to come down with french-fried lung someday in the near future. The hours are horrific - three hour shifts. Oh, yeah. The pay is crap. On a bad night he makes $10+ an hour. On his best night he pocketed about $25 an hour. My heart just breaks into a million pieces when I think about how much he's suffering. Surely there's someone out there who can ease my pain.

Here comes the "When I was your age" story. My very first full-time job was the summer before my freshman year in high school. I babysat for two kids, Mark and Philip. Mark was the oldest, about eight, I think. Philip was this cute, cute little guy with huge brown eyes. He was around four. Mark used to call Pizza Hut and have pizzas delivered to the neighbors. I think he did worse things, but it was the summer of the Watergate hearings and I was glued to the tv the whole time. Seriously, there was nothing else on. No Price is Right, or Super Password or soaps. It was awwwwwfuuuuuullllllll. We had canned ravioli every day for lunch. Every single day. There wasn't really anything else in the house. I worked 8-5, five days a week. And got paid the handsome sum of $20 A WEEK! That's right, fifty cents an hour. Nowadays, the hottest job around is being a nanny (you can dress it up any way you want, but it's still pretty much just changing diapers and wiping snotty noses). They probably make fifty cents a millisecond.

So if you know anyone who needs to hire some summer help, call Tyler. His specific talents are: looking cute ALL the time, an ability to bamboozle anyone with (or without) a brain, and an uncanny knack for getting exactly what he wants without you knowing you've been played. Until you have time to think about it. And then it's too late.