People of America, Come on Down!

I think I'm in denial about Bob Barker retiring. He's been on the air probably since the day I was born (yes, wiseguys, TV had been invented). My first memories of him are when he hosted "Truth or Consequences." He used to show his wife, Dorothy Jo, in the audience on a regular basis, which I thought was a sweet touch. I don't remember much more, except these heart-wrenching reunion things he'd do. He'd have some young wife on the show whose husband was in the service, and in those days that meant Vietnam. The announcer, in a really low, whispery voice - the kind that would land him in jail today - would tell the studio audience what was about to happen, while the unsuspecting wife was in "a soundproof booth," which probably meant the bathroom. There'd be some goofy stunt they'd be doing and they'd slip the husband into the mix somehow. Most of the time the wife recognized her husband and shed many tears of joy. I get choked up just thinking about it. If the wife was a little on the slow side, Bob would step in after a suitable length of time and re-introduce the couple.

Then, of course, there's "The Price is Right." You know (or maybe you don't) that once upon a time in America the daytime airwaves were crammed full of game shows. "Password," "Press Your Luck," "Tic Tac Dough," "Sale of the Century," "Let's Make A Deal" (probably one of my all-time favorites). Seriously, there were as many game shows then as there are reality shows today. "The Price is Right," "Wheel of Fortune," and "Jeopardy" are the only ones to survive, and "TPIR" is the only daytime show left. And I don't think it's ever changed its timeslot.

There are so many things to love about this show. Like Bob's microphone. A cross between a drumstick and a fairy wand, I think he's used the same one since the first taping. And the girls. All beautiful, all kind of plastic looking and all really talented with their hands and facial expressions. And willing to wear some really, really ugly (and sometimes demeaning ) clothes. Who really goes golfing in a bikini and high heels? I'm betting there's some adult entertainment out there that spoofs Barker's Beauties. The contestants are always fun to watch, too. I wonder if an ambulance has ever been called to the show. Some of those people are pretty excitable (and ancient). There was this one Samoan woman who about took Bob down. From then on, any time a Samoan got on stage, Bob looked more than a little scared and would actually take a step or two back as they came hurtling towards him. I've noticed lately that there aren't a lot of huggers. Guests probably have to sign some kind of statement giving up the rights to their first born (or any of the fabulous prizes they won) if they touch Bob.

And, of course, there's the games. I want to have a job coming up with new games for TPIR. I think a good one would be guessing the street value of popular drugs. My kids' favorite game of all time is Plinko. I don't know what it is about it, but they STILL get excited about it. One day I heard Tyler screaming his lungs out and I ran into the living room, thinking I was going to find him being mauled by a large bear, only to find out that Plinko's on. The other day he said if I loved him I'd get him tickets to the last show. I told him I'd gotten him a ticket to get a life.

So, farewell, Bob. But beware: I think that planet Earth will soon be overrun with unwanted cats, dogs, ferrets, hamsters and geckos because there won't be anyone telling us to have our pets spayed or neutered.