Paperback Writer

(the Beatles, 1966)

Ok, you've read about my editing addiction. I wish I could claim I had one day clean, but it would just be a bloody lie. I can't get any further than a few minutes. In addition to my propensity to wordsmith stuff to the grave, I also get a little nutty about a few other idiosyncrasies that writers/clever marketing types employ in the name of creativity. Like cutesy spellings of businesses, mostly hair salons . . . Klassy Kuts, Kut & Kurl - to me, it has the same affect as nails on chalkboard. I want to shriek REALLY LOUD and poke my eyes out with a spoon. I swear on PeeWee Herman's indiscretion that I will NEVER set foot inside any establishment that chooses to use words not found in Webster's Dictionary. I'm dead serious. If you ever catch me transgressing in this manner, you have my permission to spray paint me purple and tie me to the bronze bears at the new Merriam Visitor's Center (is there a hibernating bear population in Merriam that I'm not aware of????).

I also take issue with people who abbreviate Christmas (XMas). It's more than taking "Christ" out of Christmas. It's plain laziness. And people who abbreviate "thanks" (thnx or thx) - don't bother! If you want to thank me then take the time to write out the whole word (it's only two more letters, for pity's sake!). The English language is a beautiful thing and we're on the verge of reducing it to an ever-increasing series of AIM shortcuts for the lazy and uninspired.

Which brings me to my final literary woe . . . where have all the commas gone? And apostrophes? And capital letters? When did it become acceptable to leave these flagships of writing at dry dock? I know I'm stepping on about eight hundred and four toes, but come on, lads and lassies. The whole point of using these tried and true punctuation marks is to convey meaning and emotion to the reader, not to mention provide clarity. I mean, what would "Catcher in the Rye" be without italics? At best, a dull read about a depressed teen. What's special about that? But add those famous italics and the whole book comes to life and you fall in love with Holden Caulfield and identify wholly with his teen angst and pain. Face to face interaction is so, you know, not done that SOMETHING has to be done to convey the human element in cyber talk. If you just type "wil u mry me?" how will you know someone really wants to marry you? It could mean that someone wants you to murdify them (ok, it's not a word, but in today's bastardized language it totally could be). That is so NOT romantic (not to mention unsafe). You'd show up at the church all dressed in white and the "groom" would say, "Where's the ax?" I shudder to think . . .

So, here's the challenge. Put punctuation back in your writing. Add a keystroke or two to your messages. And see what happens. It's like giving the whole world a Coke - everyone will be in perfect harmony. Or at least a little more literate.