About twenty years ago I decided to quit using the word "God" in exclamations, whether they be made in disgust, incredulation or otherwise. I'd like to say that this was prompted by a spiritual and moral awakening, which it was in part. I think, however, the overriding reason was the result of a visit to the St. Louis Art Museum. My dad was holding Kate and they were looking at some Native American artifacts. It was as silent as a tomb. All of the sudden, I hear Kate's strident little voice, clear as a bell, saying, "Oh, MY GOD. Oh, MY GOD." My dad's trying to shush her and act like he doesn't know why he's holding this tiny blasphemer-of-a-child in his arms, and I'm suddenly the recipient of some very pointed stares. And a few giggles.
Taking the "G" word out of my vocabulary required some substitutions. I tried them all. "Oh, my stars." "Heavens to Betsy." "Oh, my word." My favorites were "Holy Smokes" and "Holy Cow." But then, after an even deeper spiritual awakening, I started to think that these Holy phrases were a bit offensive. "Holy Smokes" could have been offensive to the Levite priests who lit the incense in the Holy of Holies (and perhaps Cheech and Chong, as well). "Holy Cow" must certainly offend the Hindu population. I think "Holy Toledo" is okay, but I can't say for sure. It may offend Ohioans. And isn't there a Toledo in Spain? It could be a double, multi-ethnic breach in etiquette. Even if it doesn't offend anyone, I won't use it. It's just doesn't have a lot of panache.
I have a friend who's mother-in-law says "Shoot a Buddha" (I'm not exactly sure that it's spelled that way, but that's what it sounds like). Pretty sure that offends a large segment of the world. I tried "Oh, my Allah." I really love how that rolls off the tip of the tongue, especially with a little kick of an accent. I'M SO BAD! My grandmother used to say, "Oh, lordy," or "Oh, murder." (What's that all about?)
When I was in college, I had a friend who made up this rule that you couldn't tell a lie if someone said, "Honest Injun?" to you. I'm embarrassed to say that, as a last resort, I use this on my family. Sometimes I use it as a first resort, just to bypass all the "Are you kidding me?" nonsense. I'M SO VERY, VERY BAD.
Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut. Yeah, like that's gonna happen.
(I'm starting to think these little tirades sound a bit like Andy Rooney's pieces on "60 Minutes." Isn't he about to retire...)
3 comments:
he's past the retirement age. he's about to die, by jeebus.
has he got the wackiest eyebrows in the world or what?
crazed scientist eyebrows. i wish mine were like that. then i would make sure to get a job doing national television. and i would make sure i never plucked them. and i would make sure to make people uncomfortable by staring at me on national television with my crazed scientist eyebrows.
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