Down Under

(Men at Work, 1982)

For some reason, which is completely beyond my comprehension, my husband and son tend not to believe me when I make certain statements. It could be that I'm constantly bragging that I got a BS in BS in college. Or maybe it's because I make stuff up all the time. But only when it doesn't count. The other night counted.

Ty's working at the Merriam pool, excuse me, the Merriam Aquatic Center, this summer as a slide boy. Because he's tired of grubby little kids climbing over his legs every day, he's decided that he needs to become a lifeguard. Mainly because in an 8-hour shift they have four hours off. Simply brilliant. Anyway, he, Ron and I were sitting on the screened-in porch acting like millionaires, sipping mint juleps in our red hunt jackets and jodhpurs (see, I'm making this up), when he began telling us the requirements of the lifeguard test. He was naming the different strokes and how to do them. He thought the breast stroke was when you push your arms from the front to the side and kick like a frog. I corrected him, saying that you push down with your hands in a prayer position. Then he mentioned something about "freestyle." I said, "You mean the Australian Crawl?" Both he and Ron looked at me like I had worms coming out my eyes. "What's that?" Ron sneered. They both took great pains to poke fun at my intelligence and insinuated that I was making it up. I calmly took off my cute granny glasses, placed my Henry VIII book on the chaise and went inside. Once the door was closed behind me, I made a beeline to Tyler's computer, where I googled "Australian crawl." Ha! Double Ha! I was so completely and totally right I wanted to cuss. I nonchalantly went back out to the porch and said, "I'm right." I also informed them that the Australian Crawl, or Front Crawl, is the most universally used stroke in freestyle competition, but that freestyle itself is not a swimming stroke. Tyler says "all the people" at the pool call if freestyling. I said I'd be happy to come up and school them if he'd like. He, of course, would not like.

Make no mistake. I am a smart woman. And I am not making that up.