The Confessional

It took me about ten years to finally watch an episode of "Survivor." I guess I thought it was a waste of time, which some people in my family would still agree with wholeheartedly. I think the first one I watched was the one with Ozzy, this cute curly-haired boy who is half porpoise (no lie . . . he can stay underwater for about three minutes). This season's theme is "Fans vs. Favorites" and Ozzy is back. And is possibly more engaging than ever. The other night as I sat watching it, I just had to laugh at myself because I seriously need to get a grip and/or life. Ozzy's tribe was headed to Tribal Council, where one member would be sent packing. One of the fans (and one of my least favorite players) all of the sudden got the idea to vote off Ozzy. Well! The nerve! I found myself having this conversation in my head that went something like this: "If they vote off Ozzy, I'm NEVER watching this show again. Ever. Period. It would ruin my life." Am I pathetic or what? In the end, I didn't have to make good on my promise. Whew!

Today, I was taking a blissful afternoon nap on the couch, having just watched one of the best movies ever made, "Roman Holiday." It stars Audrey Hepburn (I think it was her first movie) and the brilliant Gregory Peck. There's a scene when Ann (Hepburn), a princess who's run away from the confines of her title, ducks into a hair salon to get her long, long hair cut. The first time I saw the shot when the new 'do is revealed it took my breath away. Impossibly beautiful.

Anyway, I was napping contentedly when all of the sudden I heard Ron yell, "I'll be DAMNED!" My first thought was . . . and I'm totally serious about this . . . a squirrel had gotten into the house and was wreaking havoc. I don't need psychoanalyst to tell me that I may have a little guilt over trapping all those squirrels (it's over thirty now and - just to be clear - they aren't injured in the traps at all; they're just trapped in a wire cage).

So what was Ron all in a dither about? Tiger Woods won the Arnold Palmer Classic, making it his fifth win in a row (fourth in a row this year) after sinking a 24-foot put. I let Ron know that, although a spectacular achievement, Woods' win was not worth giving me a near death experience. I could tell by the look on his face that he begged to differ with me. Whatever. Next time I want a Sunday afternoon nap I'm checking to see if Tiger's playing. If he is, I'll retire to the bedchamber, which is well out of earshot of Ron's explosive utterings.